by Buckley Jensen
Faithful readers are aware that I live in a home with a wife and the three cats she brought to our marriage. Said felines have been an integral part of our domestic tranquility since I said, “for better or for worse,” back in 2004.
Prior to Marcia, furry critters had never been allowed inside my home. Nowadays Winkie, Frankie and Felicity never leave the house. They have their own heated room with a double bed and soft pillows, trees to climb, cat-walks and all manner of cat toys.
There are pictures of cougars and famous feline stars adorning their walls. The finest food and drink is available 24-7. Do they appreciate it? Have you ever owned a cat? Need I say more?
I am painfully aware of my place in the pecking order at our house. On the other hand, cats are undoubtedly less hassle than the baggage some women bring to a marriage, so I have bitten my tongue a few hundred times in the interest of preserving connubial bliss.
When I need an empathetic ear, I go out to the unheated garage, where my, intelligent, unselfish, loving little lady border collie (Hooch) resides. It has been below zero at night lately… there is no bed to sleep on, no trees to climb, no pictures on the walls. Her food consists mostly of bones and cereal and her water is frozen solid every morning. Does she complain? Ever owned a dog? Need I say more?
Yesterday, I peeked at our pets respective diaries for December 22, 2007:
Hoochy’s journal entry:
Oh Boy! Dry dog food again! Yum!
Oh Boy! I get to ride in the back of the pickup! Hurray!
Oh Boy! I get to chase rabbits at the ranch! Wow!
Oh Boy! We are going to Blue Mountain Meats to buy me a box of frozen bones for my Christmas present. Double “Woof!”
Oh Boy! Oh goodie! I get to fetch the frisby again! Happy Days!
Oh Boy! I get to sleep in the cold, dark, lonely garage again! Am I not the most blessed Mutt in Monticello?
Winkie, Frankie and Felicities’ journal entry:
Day 1047 of our Monticello captivity. That slug of a husband Marcia married hauled us away from the bright lights of the big city to this sorry town and taunts us with childish little dangling objects.
The only things that keep us going are the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction we get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow when they go to Church we are going to eat the poinsettia he got for Christmas.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse Marcia’s honey, we take turns inducing ourselves to vomit on his favorite rug. Winkie suggested we do it in his bed…hmm.
Frankie decapitated a mouse and delivered the headless body in an attempt to show old Huckilybuck what we are capable of and strike fear into his heart.
He actually acted pleased and cooed and condescended about what good little hunters we are, and how he would have to buy mouse traps were it not for us. He piled the sweet talk on so thick Frankie puked right under his favorite chair.
When their friends come in we get tossed in our room. We hear things about allergies and other propaganda you wouldn’t believe.
Felicity has been assigned to research this “allergy” business as we may be able to use it to our advantage.
We are convinced that half-wit dog in the garage is probably a snitch. Stupid smelly dog! She actually comes back when she is let out of her kennel.
If we ever doubted that Huckilybuck was a fool, we need only look at the company he keeps. If Hooch turns out to be a snitch we will get her. It is only a matter of time. Time is our friend. We will repay them both!