Short cut to San Juan on a Hole in the Rock Trek

I have been hearing stories about the great Hole-n-the-Rock trek since I was a kid. It has taken me 65 years to finally go find out what all the fuss was about.
But I was undaunted by the challenge that lay in front of me. You have to realize that my too kind and loving wife is a direct decedent of Benjamin Perkins; the miner from Wales that knew how to use dynamite.
You know my good Bishop has never once asked me, “Do you know how to use dynamite? Great, I have a job for you!”
I think a scout leader would need to know how to use dynamite. But we don’t have scouts anymore, so many men that learned useful things like tipping over hoodoos and fishing with dynamite can no longer be role models for young men.
You have to believe me when I say we have been hearing HnRxTrl stories forever. My kids sing hymns and get teary-eyed and tell stories for the 24th of July.
I drink Pepsi and barbeque and tell my too kind and loving wife, “You know you didn’t discover this land; you invaded it?” She ignores me, which is her preferred method of dealing with my witty remarks.
See, my side of the family didn’t need as much refining adversity in their life so when they traveled this area, they used the Old Spanish Trail that conveniently went through Ucolo, Moab and Green River.
I believe they stopped at the Old Spanish Trail Arena for cool drinks and a rest.
I own that I had a few more conveniences when I traveled from Escalante to the actual Hole in the Rock. You all know I can’t do hard things.
I borrowed a Mercedes Sprinter van outfitted with running water, a robust HVAC system that could also be used to store ancient documents like the Declaration of Independence in, and an updated Starlink internet connection that uses over 7000 satellites to make sure I can get spam phone calls encouraging me to buy an extended warranty for my truck.
My wagon (UTV) had better suspension than what I saw at Bluff Fort. And I had SpaceX GPS technology tracking my every move; it let me know when I walked off the trail to go to the bathroom.
It wasn’t particularly hard to find the actual Hole in the Rock trail because there were wooden posts every so often with a cute little wagon painted on them and there was a 40-foot-wide road that ensured I didn’t get lost.
When I say road, I mean dusty washboard; I lost two fillings out of my back molar. But other than that, I think I was ready to experience the pain of traveling the legendary trek and have a life experience that would make me a legend in my own mind and ensure my posterity would tell stories about me and get teary-eyed.
And, this was important, I probably had it easier because I didn’t have to take kids or dogs too. I don’t remember how many family vacations I had to listen to “Dad. Make him stop looking at me. I need to go to the bathroom. I think I am going to puke.”
And my too kind and loving wife saying, “Daniel quit looking at your sister. Didn’t you go the bathroom before we left, like I told you? Number one or number two? You are not going to puke…Look at the road. If you do puke, don’t get it on the seat, use your brother’s shirt, we can wash that.”
I also didn’t have to take any cows, but we saw quite a few of them along the trail. They had that dumbfounded cow-look that seemed to say, “You know there is an easier way? Just look for the silhouettes used to mark the Old Spanish Trail; you can’t miss them. There is a Maverick too; nice bathrooms and plenty of crushed ice.”
These cows have a lot to say if you take the time to talk to them.
I was hoping for a life altering religious experience so I could write a book and become rich and famous. I would call it, “Haunted by Undaunted. A Trekkers Guide to Life and Dynamite”. I was also hoping that I didn’t get lost, break down, or have to cut off my arm with a pocketknife.
I would not normally recommend Bubba to be your guide but this trek was on my too kind and loving wife’s bucket list and we are getting old so pretty much I had to go.
I should have known better, because I have known Bubba forever and have the scars and broken bones to prove it. We don’t make the best decisions when we are together. He offended me when he wrote a book called, “All My Friends are Felons”.
Bubba called and said, “I got an idea, but we could die (the BLM sign told me three ways I could easily die on this little adventure). You interested?”
Of course that is exactly how we grew up together. I would say, “That looks dangerous, we could die.”
And he would say, “Oh man this is going to be so epic. Follow me.”
But, to our credit we are both still alive, although just barely, and have had gainful employment (although many claim my 30 years of government does not count), raised a family, voted in the most recent election, and can sing any song from the Eagles or the Doobie Brothers. So, we feel like we accomplished our mission here on earth.
We made plans for the epic camping trek starting at Escalante and finishing looking down through the Hole in the Rock. I sent my too kind and loving wife to buy six months’ worth of groceries just in case what happened to Benjamin and Jens happened to me and I wander around for longer than expected.
I always say that “All that wander are not lost.” But sometimes, they are lost, and they just can’t stand admitting that to the wife (wives), so they say, “I ain’t lost durn it! I jest wanna see what’s or’ yonder.”
If I can find someone to guide me, I am hoping to travel from the Hole in the Rock to San Juan Hill and in to Bluff to have lunch at Twin Rocks Café soon where we will buy a t-shirt that says, “Undaunted”.
Then I will drive my borrowed Sprinter Van through Blanding (and get a shake at the Patio), pass through Verdure, and then end up in Monticello on Pioneer Day, and then go to the Shake Shak for a nice celebration and hopefully be able to ride a float in the parade.
I want people to know that people (not necessarily me) can still do hard things and if you just have enough “sticketytoidness” you can accomplish great things.
(To be continued).