Caveguy shares his morning shower routine
I am really quite beside myself this morning. After my run, I hopped in the shower and went to grab the no-name shampoo that you can also use to clean the garage floor with; but it was gone. So I started looking around and found myself surrounded by my too kind and loving wife’s cutesy fruity bottles of shampoo and soaps.
I know I shouldn’t let my curiosity go, but I did need to wash my hair so I grabbed a bottle of some purple stuff called Sauve Shampoo - Lavender.
First, I am always suspicious about shampoo that is colored trying to clean your hair. But, the bottle of Lavender claimed it had “Passion Flower & Vitamin B5” and that it “maintains natural health and shine of normal hair.”
I liked the sound of that “passion” stuff, so I decided that might be the one for me.
But then, I started wondering if I had “normal” hair. So decided to study my options and looked at the other bottles in the shower.
I picked up the “NEW VO5” it said that it was “IMPROVED” and was called Vanilla Blossom. It claimed you could “Lose yourself in a fragrant field of sweet vanilla, honeysuckle and chamomile.”
I was getting so excited thinking about “sweet vanilla” that I decided I had better check and make sure the door was locked.
The bottle claimed that it “revitalizes colored hair.” Well this got me a little concerned because I didn’t know exactly what color of hair it revitalized. So I read the directions, “wet hair, lather and rinse thoroughly.” Sounded easy enough.
Then I spotted the Thermasilk Heat activated shampoo. It said that it “volumizes and improves condition of fine or limp hair.” Apparently it is “activated by the heat of your blow dryer or curling iron” or a blow torch if you operate one of them at work. For men, size counts, so volumizing sounded like a good thing!
But, I was really in a pickle. I didn’t know if I had “normal hair, colored hair, or fine or limp hair.” So I just used a dab of each of them.
I felt pretty good about my decision until I saw another bottle called Clairol Daily Defense Shampoo. It claimed that it “Protects from everyday stress.”
Well, my too kind and loving wife is always saying that I am too stressed so I added a dab. I could almost feel the stress float down the drain as I was lost in the fragrant field of sweet vanilla, honeysuckle and chamomile.
I don’t normally use four shampoos in one shower so I decided I had better condition my hair.
Fortunately, I found a bottle of Pantene Pro-V and it didn’t say anything about fruit or avocados so I used it. Besides, it must be serious stuff because it says “Pro” Daily Treatment Conditioner, for fine hair.
Well I think my hair is pretty fine. And besides it says, “condition your hair all the way to the tips, without weighing hair down. You get hair that’s so healthy it shines.”
Well I kinda wanted shiny hair, besides it seemed that heavy hair would give you a head ache. Maybe, this is why my too kind and loving wife always has a headache.
I decided to continue my walk on the wild side. I grabbed a bottle of St. Ives Invigorating Apricot Scrub with Soothing Elder Flower.
I like to eat apricots as they keep me “regular” so I thought this was probably a good one for someone my age. I just wasn’t sure where I wanted to start applying it, because it said that it, “Gently exfoliates dull surface cells to reveal flowing, fresh, healthy skin.”
I wasn’t sure what “exfoliates” was...I mean it sounds like a medical term. I wasn’t even sure that it was legal to “exfoliate” in Utah.
However, since I was in the privacy of my own home, I figured it would be hard to prove that I had been exfoliating by myself, so I decided to push the envelope and get exfoliated in my own private fragrant field of sweet vanilla, honeysuckle and chamomile! I re-checked the door.
I was feeling pretty good after lathering up and exfoliating for some time, but there in the corner was one last bottle: Smoothing Shower Scrub.
I wasn’t sure if it was to be used to wash the tub or for use as a personal hygiene product; but I was feeling a little fruity anyway and the “Tangerine Spice” was more than I could resist.
Besides it said that it “cleanses and polishes skin” and I thought after my being exfoliated I might want to cleanse and polish things a bit as that would remove any trace of the exfoliation that I participated in ...just in case it was illegal.
It was time to get out of the shower and leave my fragrant field of sweet vanilla, honeysuckle and chamomile. I was feeling so darn pretty that I just couldn’t help myself.
I grabbed the Clariol Herbal Essence Styling Gel. Who wouldn’t die for “extra hold for shape and control.” I wasn’t sure if it was panty hose or hair gel, but the “Mallow Flower, Rose hips and Clover in mountain spring water” sold me and I added some of it to my hair too.
And you know, I felt better just knowing that “the Fresh Herbal scent invigorates the senses.” Really, it made me go quite mad.
Besides, at my age anything that can invigorate usually requires a prescription and is obtained at the pharmacy.