The Caveman develops a case of tractor envy, moving from a broom to articulated blades on a giant plow

With all this recent snow, we are going to need to discuss the size of your snow removal equipment. 
I wouldn’t normally want to talk about the size of your equipment; but with the quantity and weight of the snow, well…size matters. 
When I was in college we wuz so poor we couldn’t afford a shovel so we did what any self-respecting poor college kid would do and used a broom. 
If you are poor like I was or if you live in a warm clime and only occasionally sweep a little snow off the sidewalk, then a broom is adequate. 
But you can’t really call yourself a snow shoveler.  You might identify as one, but hey let’s be real, a broom is not a shovel. 
And you are not a shoveler, and no amount of sweeping is going to make you a shoveler. 
My too kind and loving wife graduated from college and became a teacher so we could finally afford a shovel. 
I was anxious and went down to the hardware store to buy our first shovel. 
A Shovel-Jedi-Master named Bob spent an hour discussing the latest shovels and their ergonomic designs with curved handles and titanium cutting edges. 
If I had been choosing a Light Saber, I could not have been more enthralled and attentive.  
I was hanging on every word he said. 
“Shovel you will.  Hmmm.  Train you must.” 
Suffice it to say shovels come in widths from twelve to thirty inches. 
Twelve will not get the job done. 
A thirty-inch shovel can only be used on fluffy snow. 
If used on heavy wet snow like we have, you are likely to get a herniated disc or heart attack whichever gets you first. 
I finally (too kind and loving wife wants me to capitalize FINALLY) graduated from college and got a job so we were ready for a snow blower. 
I did my homework, studied all the consumer reports, and went to the store to see Jedi-Bob again. 
We knew we were bonding when he went through the various models, but we started to share a real special moment when he took me into the back room to show me a Briggs & Stratton 24” Dual-Stage Snow Blower with Electric Start and 208 Snow Series Engine. 
My heart was papillating.  This was a serious machine for serious snow removal.  I was one with the machine, I could feel the force through my veins. 
We moved back to Monticello and I knew snow shoveling was going to be more than just an occasional activity. 
But it was during the drought years, so we limped by with an upgrade to a 4-wheeler with a blade. 
Mostly, it just gave me a reason to ride my 4-wheeler during the off season when I wasn’t shed hunting. 
My next experience with serious snow removal equipment wuz when Billy-Bob decided to move to the mountains. 
He had to get a Big-A truck so he could haul water and push snow.  He bought the biggest plow that would fit on his Big-A truck and started driving around thinking he was in the Hill Billy Club. 
I was jealous.  Ugh.  Yep.  Nothing says I live in Monticello like a water tank in the back and a plow on the front. 
Slowly over the years we have kept pouring cement because our road doesn’t quite reach the City road and so it is a mud bog half of the year. 
Ranchers live like this all the time and don’t seem to mind, but my too kind and loving wife…not so much. 
My acres of cement rivals the school parking lot.  And that my friend was justification to buy a tractor. 
Yep.  You heard right.  I had gone from a broom to a tractor in a few short years.  Okay.  I couldn’t really afford a whole tractor so I time share a tractor with Bubba. 
But, Bubba likes to drive his golf cart more than the tractor so it’s a pretty good arrangement. 
I was feeling like I had really arrived and was all uppity in my little Kubota.  I even bought a few implements for my tractor so I could drive it all year around. 
I was cleaning all the neighborhood driveways.  Life was good. 
This worked great until this last snow storm that dropped a hundred jillion feet of wet snow and my little tractor was like the train that kept saying “I think I can.  I think I can.”  But couldn’t! 
Then I was humbled and learned a humiliating lesson about how size matters.  Sure I’ve heard “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it is the size of the fight in the dog.” 
That is BS!  Fact is I had a Chihuahua and my neighbors had Great Danes.
My neighbor Alan shows up with his front-end loader, and then of course Spencer brought home a freaking farm tractor as big as his house, and Terrill drives by with his front-end loader with a heated cab, and then just to make me feel completely inadequate Bennie comes by with chains on his ginormous County snow machine that has articulated steering and blade and piles snow taller than my house.
 So I think I am going to move to a warm climate where a broom will work for snow removal and for my sisters-in-laws to fly around on.

San Juan Record

49 South Main St
PO Box 879
Monticello, UT 84535

Phone: 435.587.2277
Fax: 435.587.3377
Open 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Friday