Diary of a snow shoveler

Day 1 – It started to snow.  Hurray!  I can’t remember being more excited.  All the fasting and praying is finally starting to pay off. 
Okay, my idea of fasting is to not put sprinkles on my donut, but when you live in the desert, we must do hard things.
8:45 - I am so excited to shovel snow.  I go looking for my gloves, scarf, boots, coat, and shovel. 
I tear the house apart looking for the left glove but have to settle for a black glove and a yellow snowmobile glove. 
I wonder why I have one snowmobile glove since I have never owned a snowmobile.  I dunno! 
I find my “moon boots” from 1979.  I had no idea I still had these.  Cool! 
I try to talk to the grandkids about nostalgic stuff like how cool my moon-boots are, they are bored and roll their eyes.  
9:00 - Finally got all my layers of clothes on.  I am sweating and panting like a chubby dog in July.  Should be ready to start shoveling soon. 
Oops.  I have to go to the bathroom.  Dang.  Takes thirty minutes to remove all the layers of clothes I just got on.  
9:30 - I go outside to look for my shovel.  It is not by the front door where I left it six years ago when it last snowed. 
Huh, that is odd.  I look in the garage, nothing there.  Go to the shop.  Whose is all this crap and why is it in my shop? 
I look around to make sure there are no files marked “Classified – Top Secret” that I may or may not have stored with my old 1957 Chev Belair. 
Whew, at least I was not that dumb to do something like that. 
Found shovel in the back of the shop under six years’ worth of stuff, which my too kind and loving wife ignorantly calls junk, and that I have been saving to sell on Trash to Treasures to supplement my retirement income.
9:45 - I start shoveling snow.  This is so great.  I have not felt this motivated and invigorated since I took a Viagra, drank a Red Bull, ate a sprinkle donut, and watched a workout video. 
Makes me think I am young again.  Oh, this is the life.  I can’t wait to tell my grandkids about how it used to snow this much all the time. 
I must remember to tell them I walked to school uphill both ways, in the snow up to my chest every day in my “moon-boots”.  They’ll like that story I bet.  They usually find my stories motivating.
10:00 - Been working for 15 minutes.  But it is 10 a.m. so I decide to take a break. 
This is wet snow and weighs as much as concrete.  I decide that I should get more exercise and promise to come up with an exercise program soon. 
Lots of fresh air outside, who would have thought?   Waving to neighbors.  Dog frolicking in snow, what a sight.  Bubba has a UTV with a blade.  I am sure he is missing a great bonding experience with his kids.
11:00 - I decide that to make good memories like the ones I have about shoveling snow, that my grandkids should join me outside. 
Grandkid#1 and Grandkid#2 let out a whine and murmur that make Laman and Lemuel sound like Norman Vincent Peale. 
One falls on the floor for dramatic effect.  “Oh come on it will be fun!”  I give them a quick safety briefing and demonstrate proper shoveling technique and then sit back to watch the work move forward. 
It reminds me of my cushy guvmint job I used to have.  I have a sudden flash-back and remember my dad doing the same thing.  Woah!  Holy cow I am becoming my dad!
11:30 - It seems we have been shoveling for two hours.  Great! We have the front sidewalk clean.  I wonder why I ever poured so much concrete in the yard.  This could take a while. 
Spasm in my back.  Not as young as I used to be.  Too kind and loving wife tells me to slow down and take it easy. 
I decide watching through the window is adequate supervision for my grandkids as they shovel snow while I drink a Pepsi.
11:45 - Yell through window to remove snow around the boat I haven’t been able to use in two years.
12:00 - Crap this snow is heavy.  Getting kind of fuzzy as to why I was so excited about snow. 
Bubba comes by with UTV and a snow blade he smiles and waves.  Blade might be a good idea.  Probably beats shoveling.  I wonder where I might buy one. 
I feel a little less nostalgic and decide that maybe he could push the other 125 acres of cement driveway.  I decide to call the Bishop and see if I can get on the “old people list” so that I can get help shoveling out when there is lots of snow.
12:30 - I see my neighbor. She is a nurse. Looks like she is on her way to the hospital to rescue some old guy that was having chest pains after shoveling snow. 
I decide that I better take another break and eat.  After eating, a nap seems like a good idea.
1:00 - Okay this is looking pretty useless shoveling snow while it is still coming down.  Roll over for another nap.
4:00 - Wow.  I haven’t slept that well since a took a cup of NyQuil.  A little exercise does wonders for the body. 
Hmmm, still snowing.  Wonder if I could sell my house and move to a warmer climate. 
Warm people seem like a happy people…except those pictures of people in Hell… they don’t’ seem happy, but at least they don’t have to shovel snow.
5:00 - Snow is really starting to come down.  Golly.  Check my weather app.  I wonder who prayed for all this snow?  Would it be ungrateful to be a little more specific about where the snow comes down?
Day 2 - I woke up stiff and sore.   I can’t move.  I might be paralyzed.  I call to my too kind and loving wife to bring me some Advil and a paper and pen so I can write down my dying wishes.   
I can’t let the grandkids know.  I must act normal.  I am not shoveling all this snow. 
Dang those righteous people praying and fasting for all this snow.  They can just come and shovel it and pack it to their yard.  Maybe I should take it slow and easy.  I think I will skip shoveling snow today.
Day3 - “Honey, do you have the Johny-BobCat’s phone number I was going to see if I could just pay somebody to remove all this snow.”
10:00 - Talked to sister in Phoenix, she says it is 70 degrees.  Call realtor to put house on market.

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