Make no bones about it

This being retired is much harder work than work was.  Although, let’s be honest it was a guvmint job.  I remember there were lots of meetings. 
I am sure we talked about some pretty important stuff and figured out innovative and remarkable solutions so that when we showed up on your doorstep and said, “Hi, we are from the government and here to help”,  you could be sure that we were going to give you our best efforts solving a problem you never knew you even had.
Last time we talked was after our 6,000-mile trip to Alaska.  We came home, and I had ten days to do all the projects I was supposed to do this summer. 
Most importantly, we did some wash and packed for another trip.  You might think this is all I do; but I take naps and follow my too kind and loving wife around offering helpful insights and advice on her cleaning technique or chores.
We are headed to the Mediterranean to eat olives and gelato.  We are going to places I had always dreamed of (I was often accused of napping during school). 
We are going to see where Jupiter, Mars, and Medusa lived.  No wait!  Is it Jupiter or Zeus? 
I was never a great student, and I don’t remember which one was Greek and which one was Roman.  I watched Hercules (the Disney one) to prep me for the trip, but I am just not good with names.
It’s like Ol’ King What’s His Bucket from England; Charlie the 25th, he is the British royalty guy with big ears and was married to a hottie, then he married Kamala…maybe it was Camilla (you say Camilla I say Kamala…tomato tomoto).  The important thing is they all sound like Harry Potter.   Hmm, where was I.
Oh ya, I was explaining that as you read this, I am on my way to where there are lots of olives to eat.  I don’t know the exact itinerary because Bubba and my too kind and loving wife do all the planning, logistics, reservations and make sure I pack properly for the trip. 
Me and Bubba’s wife, who has a name, but like I said I am bad with names, are affectionately called “a passenger princess.”  Take us anywhere, but make sure we have fun, are well fed, have every excursion booked and we will show up and complain. 
It’s not easy being a passenger princess because heaven knows you have to dress appropriately.  Which is not easy, since not many things go with pleated dockers and clogs and I won’t wear shorts because I have skinny legs.
We started in Rome and continued on to Naples, Mykonos, Athens, Ephesus, Santorini, and Crete.   Honestly, I always felt confused (not uncommon for me) and lost because every place we went had a new different name. 
Ephesus is now called Kusadasi and is in Turkey.  I didn’t see a single turkey and I couldn’t find the Apostle John anywhere.  
I did see a church that was built for the Apostle John, but when I asked our tour guide if I could see the bones, she said, “There are no bones, in fact there is no evidence that he died here at all.” 
I didn’t even bother to ask her, “Then who is buried in Grant’s tomb?”  I figured it would just add to the confusion. 
But talking about bones, I went to a place called Convento dei Cappuccini where the bones of 3,700 friars’ bones are interred in the Crypt of the Skulls and the Crypt of the Tibias and Femurs. 
I am not making this up.  You all think I tell stories, but I am not, I just report the facts.
There is a new temple in Rome; it wasn’t designed and painted by Michelangelo, but it was worth seeing.  We stopped there and indeed is was a great way to start our trip. 
I only wish we had plundered Rome, destroyed a few buildings and reused and repurposed the building materials to build it. 
I learned later every colosseum, pantheon, and building was built by tearing down some beautiful existing building by the current emperor and used to build a temple to the incoming king, pope, Caeser or, or crazed fanatic that happened to be in power. 
Things haven’t changed much.  Apparently after 2000 years they are still fighting over there. 
I asked everybody I could what they were fighting for, and no one knew or could tell me, but they were pretty sure the other guy started it.
We were on a cruise which cost a lot of money because they weighed me before I got on the boat and then after when I was leaving the boat and based on how much weight I had gained they charged me by the pound. 
The head cook kept giving me the stink eye and told me “You should eat more vegetables”. 
Apparently, when they say “all you can eat buffet” they don’t mean you have to eat all of the buffet.
Really, I learned lots traveling about, but mostly I learned that I was sure glad to get home to San Juan County. 
Make no bones about it, this was an adventure I won’t soon forget.