Stevie invents the $5 Happy Meal

As part of President Trump’s effort to make America great again, he has written 142 Executive Orders in his first 100 days. At this feverish pace you may have missed a few important life changing data releases.  All the information related to UFOs and the Kennedy assassination was released, which was no small task.
The Kennedy report had nearly 80,000 pages and the UFO data release included over 1600 reports.  Well now that I am retired, I don’t really do much so I have time to look into important things that will change your life.
So, I started doing my research and found that on August 1, 1968, the San Juan Record reported an interesting story about how the $5 Happy Meal was invented.
This is important!  Did you know that there are 602,000 Happy Meals sold each day in America?  I have been buying McDonald’s Happy meals since 1979, when they were first introduced.
I hope that my investigative journalism about the genesis of the $5 Happy Meal will make the world a better place, get more Executive Orders written, get me another journalism award and a huge increase in pay so I can afford retirement.
Let’s go back in time to 1968, when a group of high school kids had been working out on the farm in the hot sun for too many hours. 
Just like today, teenage boys are always hungry, need money, and – when in a group – their IQ drops about fifty points.
There were four friends. For the purposes of this report, we will call them random names and in no particular order: Randy, Merrill, Dave and Stevie. 
Their average age was 15, which of course, as all parents know, is the age when young men make their best decisions and carefully think about the consequences of their actions; I know I did.
The boys had been working out on the farm east of Monticello for several hours when one of them said, “I am so hungry I could eat anything.” 
Boys will be boys and pretty soon one said, “I’ll give you a nickel if you eat this bug.”  And it grew from there… until finally a horned toad, that happened to be chasing the same bug as the boys was noticed and caught. 
It didn’t take long before one of the brightest boys said, “Oh yeah.  If you’re so hungry, I’ll give you $5 if you eat this horned-toad.”
Now don’t scoff, $5 in 1968 is the same as about $50 in today’s money.  And we already know that boys are always hungry, the Pioneer Day celebration was days away, so Stevie needed money.
They had been out in the hot sun for way too many hours, and of course they were in a group of three or more, so their collective IQ was at least equivalent to an amoeba.
So, just to summarize, we had four strapping young men, hungry from working all morning, a hot sun, a horned-toad and just like in the movie “A Wonderful Life”, “I triple-dog-dare you” hanging out there like the apple in the Garden of Eden.  “We will give you $5 if you eat this horned-toad!”
With four young men there, Stevie the bravest of all finally said, “I’ll do it!”  So we have three witnesses, not to be confused with the other “three witnesses”, and a determined, apparently very hungry young man and horned-toad that was soon to take part in the market research in the development of the first ever Happy Meal.
Sure, the Happy Meal ended up with a hamburger, fries, a drink and eventually a toy.  But that is not where it started.  Careful market research has to be undertaken so that McDonalds can sell 602,000 Happy Meals. 
Turns out horned-toads are harder to catch than a cow and tougher to eat.  Their hide is probably better used for cowboy boots or leather work gloves; not antipasto. 
I am pretty sure that if they had stayed with the original horned-toad sandwich and no toy, they would not sell 602,000 Happy Meals each day and we would not be as fulfilled, healthy, and happy.
Look at me, 45 years later and I am still buying Happy Meals.  I bought them for my kids, I buy them for my grandkids, and if I am alive, I will buy them for my great grandkids.  They are happy meals.  I want them to be happy.
They call it a Happy Meal, you can’t call it a Happy Meal if it doesn’t make you happy, right?  I have been looking for happy forever.  If I just eat this happy meal, I will be happy; it says it right on the box “Happy Meal”.
I for one appreciate the brave souls that were willing to be part of the market research that went into the making of the $5 Happy Meal. 
Sure we celebrate our forefathers that came through the Hole in the Rock, but there were other brave souls that might very well deserve a float in the Pioneer Day Parade.